Things You Can Do With A Banana
(I strongly recommend not typing the above into Google Image Search. I’m just sayin’…)
Anyway…
The humble banana. Rich in both potassium and comedic potential, it is a staple food. Not as trendy or chic as a kiwi, it is an elegant foodstuff from a more civilized time.
This doesn’t mean it can be the subject of useless…or, to be polite, use-impaired…gimmicks.
The Banana Slicer
If a banana cannot be sliced with, say, a butter knife made of play-do, the banana is not yet ready to eat, and so, does not need to be sliced. This would seem to make a banana slicer a stunningly redundant item, but yet, there they are.
This handy device will…erm…slice your banana, which is one of those phrases which can sound slightly naughty if you say it with a wink and a leer.
Banana Bunker
As noted above, bananas in the edible state are soft, much like a denebian slime devil. This means that it is possible for them to become somewhat mushed in transit. While many would shrug and consider a flattened banana to be a divine sign that they should get a Big Mac for lunch instead, some feel that a small investment in banana protection is in order. After all, a single banana requires the destruction of 10,000 acres of priceless Amazon forest, according to a statistic I just now made up, so it is a sin to waste one. Enter…the Banana Bunker. I leave any further comments on the utility of this device to your imaginations.
Banana Guard
This isn’t what the Justice League is called on Earth-Ape (there is an Earth-Ape, right?) It is a variant on the above, using a slightly different construction. It’s aimed more at backpackers than commuters, though. To be fair, buy both and conduct extensive tests to see which protects bananas from more hazards. Post the results on YouTube. Then send me a link and I’ll see if we can’t post it here. Or something. No promises. Also, the Banana Guard looks like it could make a reasonable toy gun, if your parents are some kind of hippies who won’t let you play with toy guns. Even more impressive, the Banana Guard is up to version 2.0 (there was a problem with 1.0 where your banana would, sometimes crash and erase itself from existence). And it has a FAQ. A FAQ. For a banana guard. We live in a world of miracles and wonders.
Banana Hanger
The above image, from here, is one of the classier incarnations of this device, which is actually possibly useful and might even spare you the problem of bananas which go from “Can be used to stake a vampire” to “Foul black mush” without even a few hours at “Nice and edible”. Less classy version include a cheap cardboard one I saw at my local Wal-Mart, and this one, which no longer appears to be for sale. However, a search for “Monky banana holder” will bring up many similair devices, which are described as “charming” and “whimsical”. Linguistic drift is a fact of life; apparently, now, “whimsical” means “Buy it as a present for someone you don’t like”.
